"Carolina", or, "Mrs. Bowen Gets Political"

Dear Republicans of South Carolina,
Good day to you. Or rather, to y'all. I hear that your state is lovely, and I imagine it is filled with lovely people as well. I was just in your sister state to the north and found it very pleasant; surely yours is also. Congratulations on turning out in record numbers to vote in your primary election yesterday. It must take quite a bit of resolve to vote on a Saturday, and I commend you for your efforts. But I must inquire as to why you sacrificed precious moments of your weekend voting for the wrong person? Indeed I'm afraid your election couldn't have gone any worse. Newt Gingrich, whom many of you indicated you'd like to be my next president, is incredibly undeserving of your vote, much less your Saturday afternoon. And why did Mitt Romney come in second, leaving the two most exciting candidates to bring up the rear? Tsk tsk, South Carolina republicans. Here is how you should have voted:
1st Place: Dr. Ron Paul, the only candidate in decades who represents real change, and a return to the Constitution. The doctor is a pro-life Christian (notable particularly on this anniversary of Roe v. Wade) who used to deliver babies for a living, before becoming a congressman. He is not a proponent of keynesian economics (one of our country's biggest downfalls) and is a staunch supporter of states' rights and the tenth amendment. He holds George Washington's view tht the UaS should mind our own business and butt out of affairs that are not our own. Ron Paul supports gun owners, homeschoolers, and citizens who would like lower taxes. The fact that the media hates him should be enough to get you interested: http://www.ronpaul2012.com/the-issues/
2nd Place: Rick Santorum, an extremely pro-life, extremely pro-family, pro-Jesus former senator from Pennsylvania. Rick Santorum is entirely unashamed of his conservative views, and shrugs off criticism from pro-choice and LGBT activists. Santorum is a proponent of spending cuts and economic reform, and is intent on the country depending less on imports. While I wish he were more focused on shifting power back from the central government to the states, there is little else not to like about him, and as a future homeschooling mom, I'd be thrilled to have him calling the shots in Washington: http://www.ricksantorum.com/issues
3rd Place: Mitt Romney, a former governor of Massachusetts, a title which in itself should cause conservative voters to beware. Massachusetts is our most liberal state; do you really think they would elect a true conservative as governor? "Romney has also been criticized for having once held moderate positions on abortion, gun control and gay rights. He describes himself as pro-life, though he said during his 1994 Senate run that "abortion should be safe and legal in this country." (Alaska Dispatch). He also was in favor of the stimulus and is the creator of the RomneyCare (yet claims to be opposed to Obama's national version of the same). However, I'd still prefer Romney to the next candidate; as a Mormon, I'd like to think that Mitt Romney would adhere to a higher moral code than Newt Gingrich has displayed.
LAST: Newt Gingrich, the former speaker of the house, who won in South Carolina despite serious accusations regarding his character as a husband, and his personal aspirations for the presidency. He's been through two scandalous divorces, and numerous purported affairs (including one with his current wife while he was leading the impeachment charge against President Clinton). Because it would take a long, long time to write all of the serious reasons why this man should not be our next president, I'll just say that he's a petulant, whiny, self-absorbed, self-inflated, immoral human being. Oh, and the democrats want him to get the nomination so that Obama will win again. That should tell you something.

Don't feel bad, people of South Carolina. You didn't know. It's so easy to forget a person's history when in the midst of a glitzy presidential campaign. And Newt is so round and fiery and he shouts importantly a lot. I forgive you. I'm confidant the other states can compensate for your misjudgment. Just don't let it happen again, or we may have to ask you to leave the Union. Oh wait, never mind. I know that you want what's best for our country, just like I do.

God bless America.
Respectfully,
Brittany