Six Months

I'm sitting here at the computer, marveling at the goofy little creature sprawled out on my lap. She's fiddling with the camera cord and trying to eat my grocery list, and every minute or so she glances up at me and grins, making sure that I'm paying attention. Aurora is six months old today, and I can hardly believe it! Even though I do feel the occasional twinge when I think about how big she is getting, really I'm just enjoying so much the person she is becoming. Rory is truly a delight, generous with her smiles and always ready to laugh. How blessed we are!

My mom brought me a really special little token of our Rory when she was visiting last week:

As a thank you gift to our parents at our wedding, Blake and I gave them lavender rose bushes. Lavender roses are my favorite, and they were our wedding flower. My mom dutifully planted theirs shortly after we were married, and in the mild Pacific Northwest climate, it slowly began to grow.

Fast forward about a year and a half.

At church on Sunday, a lady came up to me and asked when the due date was. I assured her that I was not remotely pregnant, and had no intention to be for a long time, then helpfully pointed her to my friend who really was expecting, the woman she was actually looking for. I told Blake about it and we laughed. The truth was, we had begun talking about starting a family soon, maybe in a year we'd start trying, but certainly not before then; I wasn't ready, I needed more time.

Then I was a day late. I knew that there was a tiny, minuscule chance that Blake and I could be expecting, but it was so unlikely I hadn't really considered it. I had jokingly mentioned it to Blake, who smiled and shook his head at my jesting, but that was it. I was never a day late. I began to worry. At the grocery store that morning, on an impulse I tossed a test into the cart. My least favorite cashier rang up my purchases and looked at me knowingly. I took the test as soon as I got home, just so I could stop worrying about it.

It took all of a second for that horrid little plus sign to appear, and I almost threw up, and not from morning sickness. I know that it's terrible, but the only sentiments I had at that moment were horror and dread. There was no good reason for it, I mean, we were married, employed, stable, all of that; nothing that would indicate a baby would be an unwelcome thing. But I was selfish, and I did not want a baby. I wanted my husband to myself, I wanted to go back to school full time, I wanted to travel and save money, all before growing our family. I felt like I had thrown away all of my dreams along with the used pregnancy test. In my shock, I knew I had to tell Blake, and it had to be soon (I was meeting a friend for breakfast and knew I'd end up telling her- Blake needed to know first). So, (this is actually kind of funny), I called him at work. I know this is something you're never supposed to do, and ironically, I had spent time scheming before cute ways to tell Blake that we were going to have a baby. None of those even crossed my mind at this point, and when he answered his phone I blurted the awful news out: "I took a pregnancy test!" Silence. He replied, "And..." "It was POSITVE! (Sobbing)" This is one moment when the amazing character of my husband showed itself. "Okay, wow,....that's- great, we can do this (shock, hesitancy, but blessed encouragement). Looking back, he remarked to me that it might have been nice to learn that he was a dad under other circumstances, but at the time, he was my rock, and he was through the entire pregnancy, and continues to be now.

I met my dear friend Leah for breakfast. In the parking lot, I hurriedly called my sister and told her, since I figured she should know before Leah. Lindsay was delighted, and I began to feel a teensy bit better. One of the reasons I was so appalled by the whole thing was that I was sure people would snicker at us and smirk, seeing as we had only been married a year and a few months. They'd shake their heads and comment that they thought we wanted to wait longer, had we heard of birth control? Lindsay's enthusiastic response showed me that it was something that people were going to be happy about. Leah, too, was thrilled for me. She asked if she could throw me a shower, which got me excited for a moment because I love gifts. Then I remembered that the gifts weren't really for me, and I scowled internally at the little creature inside me, whom I would have to share the rest of my life with, whom I was not ready for.

Blake and I decided to tell our parents that day, though we would keep the news quiet from the general population for a couple more months. His parents were shocked: "We thought you were going to wait a couple more years!" My mom, too, sounded stunned by the news: "Hey mom, guess what? You're going to be a grandma!" "Oh...how nice, that's lovely." "Well, tell Dad, wontcha?" "Of course, he'll be thrilled! (Fake sounding cheerful voice). I was a bit put off by the less than elated responses, but granted, we had caught them off guard. When the news sunk in a little more, all four grandparents-to-be were entirely thrilled, and it didn't take long for them to develop full on grandparent fever. But I interpreted their shock as criticism, and was more than a little disappointed. What I did not learn until later, however, is that in her joy, my mom walked outside to the garden, and seeing our wedding rosebush, she went over to it. On the bush was a single bud; it was the first day it had bloomed. Mom knew right then that it would be a girl. When the bud blossomed into a gorgeous rose, she picked and carefully dried it. Now it is a reminder to me that God can make beauty out of the turmoil of our hearts, and that his greatest blessings are not given based on our worth. My sinful heart longed to reject what He had in store for us, but instead of punishing me for my sin, He waited patiently for me to see that He is good, and that what I hated was something precious, an amazing privilege, to be the mother of this incredible baby girl.

Looking back on my pregnancy, the most tumultuous time of my life, I see that we were so remarkably blessed by supportive friends and family, by good health for me and Rory, and most of all by the faithfulness of God who never left my side even though I doubted His plan. I learned some ugly things about myself during that time, and motherhood is refining me even more. Sometimes I wonder if God could have done better for Rory than sticking her with me, but we're in this together for a reason, so I will trust and be faithful and rejoice and pray. For, as we wrote on her birth announcements, "This is the Lord's doing, and, it is marvelous in our sight!" Psalm 118:23 Our little bud is blooming; what a joy to be her mama!