Reflections on Good-byes

There are times when we turn our backs in the kitchen and someone whisks the soup to the dining room before we can finish seasoning it; we’re left dumbfounded, gripping the spices in our hands and knowing the soup is good but could have been better. These are the moments when our intentions cease to matter and become “what-could-have-beens.” There is a temporary end to every relationship this side of Heaven, and so often these ends are frayed and dangling- “But I never…” “But we didn’t…..”. God said, “Done.” And it was. Left to mull over the “if onlys,” it is too easy to question the goodness of God- because it’s either that or questioning our own. How many times was brusqueness offered instead of kindness? Disinterest instead of care?

My grandma left this world on Sunday. It was a day I’d been expecting for years, the death of my first grandparent. She had been ill, but it happened much sooner than we all expected. She lived in another state, but was always such a presence in the lives of all her grandchildren. I am so grateful     looking back at the quarter century we spent together with precious few regrets. I intended to call her Saturday but bumped it to Sunday’s to-do list, and though I lost that one chance to say “I love you,” I made it a point to call often. We never did go to Paris together (something she had spoken of to me many times), but I was always more interested in Spain anyway, though I never had the heart to tell her that. No, there are very few regrets, and quite a few lovely memories. Grandma saw me married (she thought Blake was quite cute, and openly (if not tactfully) hoped that our baby would get his hair genes). She held my first child. Was I ready for this day? Not at all.  But our Lord is as sovereign as he is good, and anything I would have told Grandma that last almost-phone call can surely wait the short sweet time until I see her again.